


Always Wondering

by PerfectlyHopeless



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Depression, M/M, One-Shot, Self-Harm, the result of a tumblr prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-11
Updated: 2014-08-11
Packaged: 2018-02-12 17:09:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2118033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PerfectlyHopeless/pseuds/PerfectlyHopeless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things take a drastic turn when Marco calls Jean out to take a hike.</p>
<p>(the result of a tumblr dialogue prompt "ever wonder if the world would be better off without you?" Warnings for mentions depression and self-harm)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always Wondering

**Author's Note:**

> So I've been getting decent feedback on tumblr for these one-shots I've been doing and decided to put them up here as well. The dialogue request I had to work with was "ever wonder if the world would be better off without you?" and from there this one-shot was born. I hope you enjoy ^_^
> 
> [The original tumblr post on my account.](http://hopeless-alchemist.tumblr.com/post/94216975026/ever-wonder-if-the-world-would-be-better-off-without)

Ever since they were little kids, the park had been a safe place for Jean and Marco. They’d done a lot of exploring since they’d first met, when Marco first moved to the Trost area from Jinae when they were both about eight. By now they knew all of the pathways and hiking trails. The hidden spots that allowed for decent views of the scenery beyond the town. It was like a secret that only they knew.

It was a Friday evening in October when it happened. Neither had many friends, so they didn’t have any other plans. Around sunset Marco had texted Jean, asking to meet him at the park. They exchanged smiles when they met, but didn’t say much otherwise.

Jean’s silence had some reason behind it. For a while now, he had been a bit on edge around Marco. Jean had started seeing him as  _more_  than a friend, and it was making him nervous. It wasn’t his sexuality posing a problem (that little detail was already basic information to most people including Marco), but he didn’t want to ruin nearly 10 years of friendship with something as annoying as what could only be described as ‘love’.

“This way,” Marco said softly, reaching out and grabbing the sleeve of his friend’s denim jacket. It was getting dark and the cover of the trees didn’t help, only managing to make things worse. Jean could feel his face try to flush and he chomped down on his tongue to distract himself from the closeness between them.

The two continued hiking for a short distance until they were met with a clearing. Jean’s brows furrowed at the sight of it. It was unfamiliar.

“How’d you find this place?” he asked, stepping forward. The area was surrounded by trees, and when he looked up at the sky he could see more stars than usual. It made his jaw drop.

Marco shrugged, still not saying much. “I got bored one day after school. Came out here and went off the path.”

Jean nodded, daring to venture forward. A smile tugged at his lips and he made his way into the middle of the clearing. It wasn’t particularly pretty. But the sky was incredible. Trost was a small town in the middle of nowhere and miles away from any cities, so the light pollution wasn’t as bad as it could have been. But getting even further away made the view incredible.

He grinned as he took a seat in the grass, staring up at the sky to try and find constellations. It was still fairly early, so there weren’t many yet, but enough. And depending on how long they stayed it was the perfect opportunity to see more.

The freckled boy smiled as he sat beside his friend. “Pretty cool, eh?”

“Hell yeah,” Jean said, grinning as he met Marco’s gaze. There was more light now that they were away from the trees and he could almost make out the freckles that were scattered across his cheeks. They were a bit like the stars…

_Stop that!_   he mentally yelled at himself.

Jean swallowed and turned away, lying back and trying to keep all of his focus on the sky. The few constellations he could find were nothing of any interest. Too common.

Marco lied beside him on his left, almost pressed against Jean’s shoulder. The closeness between them only added onto the anxiety Jean was feeling.

“I had a feeling you’d like this place,” Marco said, staring at the stars.

The corners of his lips quirked up. “Yeah?” Jean said, looking over at his friend.

“Mhm. You’re always staring at the sky. I figured I’d help you get a better view.”

He cracked a smile at this. “It’s pretty awesome.”

Marco let out a short laugh before sighing, relaxing against the cool ground.

A semi-comfortable silence started to take over. He spoke after a moment, still gazing upwards while his brown orbs scanning the sky. “Hey, Jean?”

Jean glanced over at his friend, brows furrowed. “Yeah?”

The older boy breathed deeply, letting it out slowly before he continued. “Have you… ever wondered if the world would be better off without you?”

Amber eyes grew wide at the sound of this and he sat straight up, staring down at Marco. Brown eyes were staring off into the distance and the energy around them had grown tense.

“Wh-why would you ask something like that?” Jean inquired, keeping his tone as level as possible without stammering.

Marco closed his eyes and shrugged. “Just a thought…”

That was unsettling, to say the least. Jean continued to stare at Marco, mouth agape and eyes wide as saucers.

“C-Can you explain? You’re kinda scaring me,” he said finally.

“I told you, it was just a thought,” Marco said, his tone a little harder than normal. His arms folded over his chest and Jean noticed him tug at the ends of his jacket sleeves.

_Don’t tell me… please…_

Amber eyes narrowed and he grabbed onto his friend’s wrist. Marco cried out and tried to pull away as Jean tugged back the sleeve, but the both of them froze when they were revealed; the fresh pink scars and the scabbed over cuts that marred the older boys skin.

He felt his breath catch in his throat when he saw them. He knew that Marco had been struggling with depression since they hit their teenager years, but he’d seemed cheerful recently. Full of life, almost like old times.

“Marco…” Jean trailed off, staring still.

He pulled his arm back and pushed the sleeve down, looking away. “I… I’m sorry.”

“You… You’re cutting again?” the younger boy asked carefully.

It seemed to be taking all the strength Marco had left to not cry. His face was pinched and he seemed to be biting on his tongue when he nodded. “Y-Yeah…”

“Didn’t your parents hoard all the knives somewhere? Where did you…?”

“They forgot about my pocket knife.” He sucked in a shaky breath, tears that he tried to suppress falling down his cheeks. “Jean, I… I’m sorry…”

No. This… this was  _insane_. Marco had been doing so well lately…

“What about your meds?” Jean asked, trying to keep his tone level. “I thought that they were working…”

“I don’t want to take them. They make me feel even more numb,” Marco interjected, choking on a sob. His whole body shuddered. “I don’t like feeling like that…”

Just seeing him in such a fragile state was enough to make Jean’s heart break, let alone hearing him try not to break down. The boy that he’d fallen in love with could shatter at any moment and he felt useless.

He shifted where he sat, reaching out to take hold of Marco’s hands. He ran his thumbs over the tops, calloused fingers brushing against smooth skin. Carefully, he pulled him closer into a hug, his arms wrapping around the other’s shoulders and pressing him against his chest. Marco let out another choking sound and buried his face into Jean’s denim jacket.

“I’m sorry,” he gasped, struggling to breathe properly as he cried.

“It’s okay. I promise you you’ll be okay,” Jean said softly, one of his hands moving up to run his fingers through Marco’s mop of dark brown hair. Doing so seemed to help him relax significantly. “No matter what happens now or in the future, I’m here for you. I promise.”

Marco nodded against him. “Thanks,” he breathed.

What he wanted to do was talk Marco into visiting his therapist and to get him to start taking his meds again. But there was a time and place for those things. While he was still struggling to breathe properly was not a good time for anything like that. Once he could talk normally and he wasn’t shaking, they’d keep going. For now he needed Marco to calm down.

“Marco?” he said eventually. “Do you have your knife with you?”

He went tense. “Y-yeah…”

Jean didn’t bother asking why Marco had brought the pocket knife. He simply held out his hand and said, “Give it to me.”

Swallowing, Marco did as told and pulled the pocket knife out of his jacket pocket. He’d almost forgotten it was in there. It had just been one of those things he didn’t pay much mind to. Jean loosened his grip around Marco and grabbed the knife, taking hold of Marco’s hand as he stood up.

“Come on,” Jean said, pocketing the knife. “We’re getting rid of this.”

“H-How?” Marco asked, nervousness in his tone.

“Like this.” Jean gave his hand a tug and started pulling Marco to the opposite edge of the clearing, just in front of the trees. Turning to look at Marco, he put the knife in the taller boy’s palm. “I want you to throw it as far as you can.”

He was taken aback at this, not sure how to react. “What?”

“Throw it.  _Lose it._ Aim for the mountains or some damn thing. It’s too dark in there for you to be able to go looking for it after you throw it. And since we’re already off the path no one else will be able to find it. I want to help you, and this is the best way I know how. Aside from stuffing your pills down your throat, and neither of us wants that.”

Marco cringed at the latter thought and looked down at his hand. The moonlight shined off of the metal and some part deep inside of him wanted to pocket the knife and run. But with Jean standing there, running felt impossible.

“Please, Marco,” Jean said, his tone getting desperate.

The brunette sucked in a deep breath, pulling his arm back as he closed his eyes. He didn’t want to see where the knife landed.

The smile that stretched across Jean’s face when Marco finally threw the knife was brighter than the full moon that had come from behind the clouds. He tackled Marco in a hug that caused them to stumble backwards and fall to the ground.

“Thank you,” Jean choked out, close to crying from his relief.

Marco let out a short laugh, a smile trying across his features out of amusement as he returned the hug. They pulled back slightly, smiling at each other.  He laughed again at the sight of Jean’s grin.

“You look like an idiot,” he commented.

Jean felt his face flush and he buried his face in Marco’s shoulder. “I am an idiot. I thought you knew that by now.”

Laughter filled the air around them, almost like old times. Maybe they’d be able to find peace like that someday.

His face was still pulled into a smile.  _Good. I got him to laugh._

Pulling back, he took note of the smile that was tugged across his friend’s face. “Hey, Marco?” the blonde started, swallowing.

“Yeah?”

_Don’t do it, dumbass._

Jean licked at his lips and shook his head. “Never mind.”

“Oh come on,” Marco insisted, giving him a nudge.

“I said never mind,” he argued, suddenly hyperaware of the fact he was practically straddling Marco. Face flushing again, he got off and sat beside him. “I-It’s stupid anyways. Just forget it.”

Marco let out an irritated sound and bumped against his shoulder. “If something’s bugging you just tell me, dammit.”

He smiled slightly, shaking his head. “I said forget it, you nerd.”

“Nope. You’ve gotta tell me now.”

“Agh! No!” Jean cried out, shaking his head again harder. “God, I’m sorry I said anything.”

“Jean,” Marco whined, resting his head on his shoulder. “Come on, just tell me. Please?”

He stared up at the sky for a moment. More stars had come out in the short time that they’d been out. “There’s not much to say,” he said finally.

“There had to have been something,” the brunette grumbled, turning his head slightly to look up at his friend.

“There is… but it’d be too weird for me to ask…”

“So it’s a question,” Marco inferred. “You can ask me anything, you know.”

Jean shook his head again. “No, not this.”

“You were about to a minute ago, so just say it.” He stared up at him, noting the way his amber eyes seemed to glow when the moonlight hit them.

“You really want me to?” Jean asked.

Marco nodded, his head still resting against the other’s shoulder. “Yeah, of course.”

_Don’t do it!_

He sighed and shrugged Marco off so he could face him properly. “Alright then… my question is ‘can I kiss you?’”

Brown orbs grew wide and his mouth fell open slightly. Jean closed his eyes and looked away.

_Fuck. Now you’ve done it! Couldn’t you…!?_

His thoughts were cut off when Marco took hold of his face and crashed their lips together. Amber eyes widened and he couldn’t even breathe properly.

Marco pulled back slightly. “Jean, relax,” he said softly, voice smooth and his breath ghosting over Jean’s lips.

Swallowing, he nodded and cleared his throat, trying to figure out what the universe was doing. Closing his eyes, he let Marco’s hands cradle his cheeks and be pulled forward into another kiss. And then another. And several more until they were both gasping for air.

“Heh,” Jean started, resting his forehead against Marco’s and his arms around the other’s shoulders. “Now I feel like an idiot for feeling nervous.”

“Don’t,” Marco argued, moving to nuzzle against Jean’s neck. The feeling of his breath sent shivers down the other’s spine and made him tense.

“You know I’m in love with you, right?” Jean said, enjoying the lack of distance between them at that point.

“Heh, I could’ve guessed as much.” Marco pulled back and gave him a smirk. “And now that you know the feelings are returned.”

“So that means you’ll trust me, right?” he said, eyes scanning his face. “To help you get through shit?”

Strong arms pulled him close and he nuzzled against him again. Jean held Marco equally as close, breathing in his scent. “Y-Yeah. I’d like that.”

The rest of the evening was spent in that clearing, the two of them holding hands while Jean pointed out constellations. At some point he started tracing the freckles on Marco’s cheeks, comparing them to the stars and making his face flush.

They were content, and their promises made everything seem perfect. 


End file.
